Navigating Conflict

I had an interesting discussion with a good friend recently about navigating through family conflict. Navigating in a healthy way. Neither of us had easy answers so we dug in deep to analyze what healthy, Christian behavior would look like.

This applies to church families and close friends as well. The frustration for my friend was watching the divide between family members get wider and wider with every disagreement. Family member #1 insisted her opinion was right and family member #2 should agree with her. Family member #2 wanted to ignore the conflict, sweep it under the rug and proceed as if there wasn't a problem. If #2 didn't agree with strongly opinionated #1, then anger erupted. Communication shut down.

If others were in the room (or participating in the group text or, worse yet, part of the very public Facebook discussion) then they would take sides, add fuel to the fire and express additional inflammatory comments. And often these comments are extremely hurtful because they come from outsiders that don't have a deep love connection with the person they're attacking. (This is why I'm adamantly opposed to emotionally charged arguments in a public forum. Be kind and take it to a private place.)

The divide widens. Now it's a chasm that is difficult to bridge.

I thought back to the summer of 2018 when my Dad was dying. I have four siblings; four of the finest people on the planet. Our parents loved each other and loved their five kids. We were raised with love, kind discipline and lots of fun.

But, although we had very similar experiences, we each came into this world with very different personalities. Five kids born within seven years. Two boys on either end and three girls in the middle. I was the middle of all of them and I loved it.

The two oldest had typical older child characteristics, especially my sister. She is truly one of the sweetest, kindest, most nurturing women I know. We were (and still are) very close. But...I was only 17 months younger than her and only a year behind her in school. And I had an unfortunate personality flaw. I didn't want anyone telling me what to do. Let me rephrase that. A parent or a teacher or someone who clearly was in authority could get away with it.

BUT NOT MY SISTER!!!

Enter adulthood. We remained close but whenever she'd let a big-sister-knows-best comment escape, I would shamefully (and childishly) react. I'd interpret such comments as, "Ava doesn't know how to do anything right. It's a good thing I'm here to set her straight."

Over time, we talked openly and honestly about our flaws. We laughed about them and usually navigated through with maturity and kindness. But then my Dad got the sad news that he was dying of lung cancer. He was given two to four months to live. He had lived a long, rich life and was ready to die; to go to his real home; to step into the arms of Jesus.

My older sister and I were in positions that enabled us to live with our parents and take care of Dad for long stretches of time. We tried to take turns, overlapping just enough to make seamless transitions in his care. But when it came close to the end, we both moved in. She had been there a week before I arrived and had established her routine in caring for him.

It was a tough pill for this rebellious-natured female to swallow when I realized that she expected me to continue doing things her way. I thought my arrival would give her a break. But she truly loved what she was doing and truly felt that her ways were the best for our Dad.

I’m ashamed to admit that inwardly I fumed. I was not a pleasant person to be around those first few days. But then I took a drive. I knew I needed to let God do an attitude adjustment on my stubborn, rebellious heart.

And He did!

Very clearly, He let me know I was to back off! I was to let my sister exercise her strengths in this situation without interference. I was also to buoy her up. To minister to her as she ministered to my Dad. And do it with joy. I was to (gulp) become her assistant.

Wouldn’t you know that those instructions from God actually gave me a sense of joy and freedom! As the days went on, I discovered that I could help in other ways, in ways that God had uniquely gifted me. And because of that sweet surrender, those last days with our Dad became a time of precious closeness instead of conflict.

What’s are the steps in navigating conflict?

1. LISTEN

2. Be honest without doing harm

3. Strengthen relationships rather than destroy them.

4. Find ways to minister to others in the midst of conflict. (This takes spiritual maturity. Can you do it?)

5. And last but not least; die to self. This does not mean being a doormat. It means recognizing when destructive selfishness is present. We all want to be loved, to be heard, to be respected, and to be right. Sometimes we need to stop clinging so desperately to these needs.

It is possible to be in conflict but do it with great love and respect. To listen to others and agree to disagree without bad feelings. But we desperately need God’s help as we do this. Not just once, but over and over and over again.

“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body.” (Colossians 3:12‭-‬15)