Community and the Healing of My Own Heart - Guest Blog by Adelee Russell

Got up this morning and started talking to God as I sipped my coffee (Guatemala blend. Best coffee EVER), and I was overcome with thankfulness. Thankful that, even amidst the uncertainty of the times and my own personal trials, God is good. And He has blessed my life so much. Not only has He never failed to provide for my needs, but in every season of my life, He has surrounded me with beautiful people. Even during the times when I felt most alone, I wasn’t. God was there. And so were His people. Whether or not I could see it.

I remember about a year before my dad died he came into my room to fix something, and he looked at a bulletin board I had on my wall. It was decorated with picture upon picture of my friends and myself (something girls do). It was during the last year of his life. He had become a bit calmer. He didn’t drink or rage as much. In that moment he seemed quiet—almost vulnerable, as he said: “You really do have a lot of friends…” There was something in his eyes and his tone of voice that seemed to suggest he wished he’d had that in his own life.

After my dad’s suicide about a hundred-some people showed up to the funeral. But as best as I can recall, less than five (a small handful of coworkers) were there for him. Everyone else was there for my mom, my brothers, and me. And it struck me as sad. As depressing. My dad closed himself off from the world. From people who could’ve been friends. Brothers. Sisters.

I’ve been tempted to do the same in my own life. Years ago during the most grueling, most intense, healing process I’ve ever experienced, I realized I had many of the same unhealthy coping mechanisms my dad had. So much fear. So much insecurity. These things sabotaged true connections with people who were offering their love free of charge. But I couldn’t accept it.

It wasn’t until I realized that God loved me as I was—as pathetic as I was—that He wanted to restore me and use me despite my scars and hang-ups and messiness; that in God’s love there is fullness of life, and hope, and everything I need in this life. It wasn’t until I realized that I am first and foremost secure in God’s love, and therefore can make myself vulnerable in extending friendship to others; that I can trust God with my heart. Trust Him to repair and restore and redeem no matter what hardships befall me. Because of the love He’s given to me, I can extend that love to others. It wasn’t until God began to reveal all these things to my heart that the seeds of community He’d tossed my way began to grow and flourish.

Scroll through the pictures of my friends and me on Facebook and you’ll see me smiling in all of them. What you don’t see are the challenges, and the insecurities, and the battles God has helped me win over strongholds in order to bring me to those places with those people.

You don’t see the ways He’s helped me show up. Even when I felt insecure. Even when lies ran rampant through my head causing me to tremble. Even when my fears and scars tempted me to run and isolate myself and never look back.

And I’m a work in progress. But I’m so grateful for the work God has done in me, and for the people He has placed in my life. I still get insecure, and emotional, and awkward sometimes. But whenever I get my eyes back on God and solidify my faith in Him by remembering His truths, He gives me the courage to connect. And when all is said and done and the story continues to unfold, I never truly regret it. Because God created us to live in community. As terrifying as that is, when He is the center of it, it becomes something beautiful.

A huge thank you to my brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me see how beautiful life can be when we allow God to help us overcome our baggage and our fears and dare to connect with those He brings into our lives.

Adelee Russell is a freelance writer from Brownsburg, Indiana. When she’s not writing you can find her exploring old bookstores and hanging out at coffee shops. To read more you can check out her blog at www.rewritten27.wordpress.com.